To grow and achieve mastery in any area of life, learning to manage your ego and embrace failure is essential. The process involves recognizing your ego’s influence, cultivating humility, curiosity, and playfulness, and gradually increasing the difficulty of challenges through consistent effort. Over time, failure becomes less intimidating, and mastery becomes achievable. By managing your ego, you open yourself up to growth, joy, and a more fluid approach to life.
Written by: Marcus Shumate, LCMHC, LCAS
Beyond What You Think You See
I remember sitting in a humid art class during high school, probably taking it because I thought it would be an easy way to wrap up my last spring semester before heading off to college. I was attempting to paint a watercolor of a staged scene in the room.
In a moment that feels more fitting for a Zen philosophy book than a high school art class, my teacher glanced at my work and offered a piece of advice that has echoed in my mind ever since.
He looked at my painting and said, “You’re drawing what you think you see, not what you actually see.” I can’t remember his name, and I’m certain he’d have no recollection of me or that moment. But for me, it stuck—and the lesson has become a powerful lens through which I see failure.
It’s easy to move through life and fall under the illusion that the people around us just “came out” the way they are. We often overlook the struggles and refinements it took for someone to achieve success or mastery in any area. Most of us, myself included, are more inclined to present a picture of ourselves that we think others want to see—not who we truly are, shaped by a multitude of failures and growths.
If we’re not careful, it’s far too easy to assume that what we “think we see” is reality and to believe that we must simply copy it to achieve the same success.
Not only is this incorrect, but it’s also a good way to suffer needlessly. It paints a false picture of how most people develop confidence and mastery. It can steal the joy of growing.
Instead, we’re going to focus on how failing well is a path to improved wellbeing and contentment.
Why is Failing Hard?
Failure is hard. Even for the most enlightened and driven individuals, learning to tolerate and grow from failure can be deeply uncomfortable. Yet, there’s no other way to gain confidence and develop yourself than by trying and failing. Any time we’re learning something new, failures should be expected as part of the process. You fail, learn, and keep going. Do this long enough, and you may actually start to understand something about a particular topic or pursuit.
While failure is a necessary part of growth, it can feel vulnerable and uncomfortable—and as humans, we’re wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain. In simple terms, we naturally gravitate toward situations where we don’t have to feel discomfort. If we’re not careful, we may end up avoiding the very challenges that help us grow and lead to greater happiness.
There’s a saying in martial arts: “The only difference between a white belt and a black belt is that the black belt didn’t give up.” This truth applies to anything you pursue in life. You start as a beginner, and if you stick with it long enough, you will develop mastery. Along the way, you’ll feel inadequate, foolish, and a myriad of other things. But eventually, on the other side of that struggle, you’ll realize you actually know something. You can now solve more complicated problems in whatever arena you’re in—and that’s where the joy lies.
So, why do so many people never achieve real mastery in any area of life?
Ego is the Enemy
If you’re familiar with the Stoics (and if you’re not, you really should be; they offer plenty of practical advice for living a healthy life), you’ve probably heard the expression, “Ego is the enemy.” Ryan Holiday, the well-known author of a book by the same title, helped popularize this idea.
Ego can have many definitions depending on the context, but in this case, Holiday emphasizes that ego refers to an all-encompassing sense of self-importance. It’s the belief that you are somehow the center of everything, separate from the world and uniquely distinct.
But why is this a problem? The issue lies in the fact that we are not truly separate from the world. While each of us is an individual with our own unique experiences and reasons for behaving as we do, we are still governed by the same forces that shape everyone else.
When we become overly attached to our ego, we lose sight of the truth: the processes of growth apply to everyone, no matter who we are. If you want to grow as a human being, you will have to try at something. You will have to work at getting better. You will struggle, you will fail, and you will learn and adapt.
This is where the ego can step in and derail things. It will tell you that what you’re experiencing is somehow unique and dangerous. It will have you focusing on how effortlessly everyone else seems to “get” whatever it is they are doing—especially if you’re spending too much time scrolling through social media.
In this way, the ego is trying to protect itself from the discomfort of failure and the fear of looking foolish. It will push you to act defensively—with anger, fear, or any other behavior that prevents you from tolerating the temporary discomfort necessary for growth.
However, if you learn to manage your ego and keep it in check, then you free yourself up to try hard things and to get better at them. You don’t have to waste time being defensive and guarded. You’ll find that life feels a little more exciting and enjoyable. You’ll find you’re not in as much conflict with yourself and the world. You can begin to live in a better flow and find that life feels a little less stilted.
How do we begin to find that flow though?
Progressive Loading
In the world of strength training, there’s a principle called progressive loading. The idea is simple: gradually increase the challenge of your workouts over time. For example, if you want to increase the amount of weight you can lift in exercises like the bench press, squat, or deadlift, you start by determining the weight you can comfortably lift. Then, you begin lifting that weight and, over time, slowly increase it.
However, adding too much weight too quickly can lead to injury, while not adding enough may prevent you from getting stronger. This gradual approach is a tried and tested method for building strength.
It’s also a powerful metaphor for improvement in any area of life. The key is to assess where you are and then gradually increase the level of difficulty to continue progressing.
If you stick with this process long enough in any pursuit—whether professional, personal, artistic, or health-related—you’ll eventually find that the things you once struggled with require little to no effort.
You will be able to revisit and apply the basics with comparative ease. Eventually, you are now the person others look at and think that he or she “makes that look easy.”
When the hard starts to become easy, you can start to experience a more flowing sort of experience. This flow state of being appears to be crucial to wellbeing, but to get there, you must develop some mastery. To develop mastery, you’re going to need to learn to deal with your ego.
How To Deal with Ego
We all have an ego. It’s something we can’t avoid, just like the fact that learning and growth involve failure. If you want to be a happy and content human being, learning to manage and regulate your ego is the single biggest unlock you can achieve.
Once you begin to manage your ego, you’ll start experiencing life in a way that feels less stilted, rigid, and reactive. You’ll feel more freedom to try things you would have never attempted before.
There are countless thoughts and insights from great minds on how to deal with your ego, but they all boil down to the same essential elements:
- Awareness: Recognize when your ego is in control and how it influences your thoughts and actions.
- Humility: Accept that you don’t have all the answers and that there’s always room for growth and learning.
- Become Curious: Approach life with a mindset of curiosity, seeking to understand rather than judge. Embrace the unknown, ask questions, and allow your sense of wonder to guide you through challenges and opportunities for growth.
- Cultivate Playfulness: Find ways to approach challenges with a sense of play. Every situation, no matter how difficult, can be a source of creativity and growth if you allow yourself to experiment, make mistakes, and enjoy the process without taking things too seriously.
- Embrace Failure: Understand that failure is a natural part of growth, not something to be feared or avoided. You will have to fail to grow.
- Self-Reflection: Regularly reflect on your thoughts and behaviors to understand your motivations and correct your course.
- Detachment: Learn to detach your sense of self-worth from external achievements or validation.
- Gratitude: Cultivate a mindset of gratitude to shift focus away from self-importance and toward appreciation for the world around you.
Living Fully: Embracing Growth Through Failure
So, why does all of this matter? Managing your ego and learning to navigate failure isn’t just about achieving mastery in one area—it’s about living a fuller, more engaged life. When we stop seeing failure as something to avoid and instead embrace it as part of the growth process, we unlock the potential for continuous improvement. By recognizing the role of the ego and using it as a tool for self-awareness, we create space for curiosity, playfulness, and a deeper connection with our own progress.
Ultimately, the path to mastery is the path to a life that feels more flowing, dynamic, and fulfilling. So, if you’re ready to move beyond the stilted reactions of your ego and embrace the process, the rewards will come—not just in what you achieve, but in how you experience the journey.
